Home Sweet Michigan

It's the first day of December, and I sit here wearing a comfy sweater with hot coffee warming my hands.

Winter and Christmas songs play in the background and soothe me while I write.

"The branches have traded their leaves for white sleeves...
All warm blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe....
Welcome, December, with tireless hope."

I just want to take a minute to say that I love home. I love being in Michigan and being surrounded with family. I love feeling at peace while I sit next to the wood burning stove, breathing deeply as I walk around outside, and falling asleep on the couch watching movies every night.

This is home.

But this place is not mine anymore. I have grown, I have married and left, trying to connect and build a a life in a different state with different people, different places and different feelings.

It's a very strange feeling, belonging so greatly in one place but also knowing that God has you somewhere else for a time. A time that is not defined, and for a reason that is ever-changing. It is a heart-torn feeling that I can never explain perfectly, but one that I hope never goes away.

Belonging somewhere.

Sweet Baby Girl

 

You are beautiful.

You are beautiful.

You are beautiful, and I love you.

Your Daddy and I are amazed by you. We have memorized every one

of your movements on a simple 2-minute ultrasound DVD.

We laugh every time we watch you punch me,

and I'm moved to tears when I watch your little mouth open and close.

You are beautiful.

Mine forever.

From the moment he found out that you're a girl, your Daddy fell even more in love with you.

He is smitten, and my heart is full.

Oh, sweet Addison...

We love you.

- Mama and Daddy

 

Open Hands

Oh, life is hard.

Being still-somewhat-newlywed is hard.

Money is hard.

Preparing the marriage and the bank account for a baby is hard.

So, we made a choice that not many would make.

I quit my job.

Almost an entire month ago, I had my very last day of a job that I had grown to love.

A job that, financially, we 'needed'.

Leaving work only 4 months into my pregnancy can sound crazy to some.

But it was what we truly needed.

More than money, more than financial security.

A scary, terrifying leap of faith.

It's what God was asking me to do.

And it's been wonderful. My heart has found contentment and happiness that it hasn't held in a very long time. I feel joy starting to seep its way back into my marriage, relationships with family and friends, and even my alone time.

I'm starting to become who I was made to be... wife, mama, lover of God.

That's not to say that everything is perfect, because it's not. Honestly, money is tighter and we are struggling more than we ever have... more than I have in my entire life, and it can get pretty scary. Some bills get paid, and some don't. Some meals involve all the food groups, and some consist of macaroni and cheese with cut up hotdogs in it. I can't start buying outfits, books, toys and diapers for The Babe, and date nights are a library movie with, maybe, a Hot-N-Ready.

But the promises of God reach much farther than money will ever be able to. He has promised us that we will always have what we need. What we need. Maybe not the clothes that are in style or the cutest nursery and the perfect nutritional meal. And maybe we will have to ask people for help, once in a while. But God will always, always provide what we need.

This I know. And in this, I have hope.

Above all else, I want my life to be filled with the Kingdom of God. To completely and fully lean on Him for each and every one of my wants and needs. To be excited in what He is doing with my mess-of-a-life, and to long for Him to fulfill His sweet promises.

"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She energetically pursues Him with every piece of her being. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them all with open hands."

-Angela Thomas, A Beautiful Offering, page 157.

Open hands, Keilah, open hands.

My job.

My relationships.

Money.

Food.

A place to live.

.....my husband and unborn child.

Open hands, Keilah, open hands.

"Look at the birds of the air; They do not sow or reap or store away in barns,

and yet, our heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not much more valuable than them?"

Matthew 6:26

"...give us this day our daily bread...

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done..."

Weepy

Oh, my sensitive heart is anxious and weepy lately.

Sometimes, I really want all the yucky and heartbreaking stuff in this world to just go away.
I wish that struggles were not reality and worry did not plague the heart.


So if you are looking for song that will not only make you cry,
but also reassure your heart of the incredible, overwhelming, life-sustaining
and always-providing love of the Lord, look these bad boys up:

After All, Meredith Andrews
Steady My Heart, Kari Jobe
My Master, Christy Nockels
Yahweh, Kari Jobe & Desperation Band
Blessings, Laura Story
Savior's Here, Kari Jobe
Love Came Down, Kari Jobe
What Love Is This, Kari Jobe
Never Once, Matt Redman
10,000 Reasons, Matt Redman


He will provide. He will provide. He is our Strength.

Hey Hubs

Just wanted to say thank you for asking me to be your girlfriend, 4 years ago tonight.
It's listed as one of the top ten nights of all my life.

You're pretty sweet.
And I love that you're sweet on me.

No apple orchards for me

Well, September has come and gone, friends. And with it goes almost all chance of taking a trip to the beloved apple orchard. This makes me sad.

See, I have this thing for fall.

A life-long, deep-rooted, sweet sweet love for fall, and all the joy it brings.

September and early October are for apple picking and soups, stews, and casseroles. Late October is for pumpkin carving, trick-or-treating, and walking under colorful leaves. And November is for hot apple cider, wood-burning stoves, and blankets.

(Really though, there is no order here and all these things can be intertwined and done throughout the entirety of the season.)

I say all this nonsense to state this fact… I did not go to an apple orchard this year.

For the second year in a row, people.

Why, you ask?

Let me tell you why.

Because I live in the dang South in a place called Tennessee where Apple Orchards don’t exist and nothing is here to give joy and happiness to any of the little Tennessee children. I can promise you that Michigan wouldn’t ever dare deprive people of such a perfect experience as an apple orchard.

That’s why.

Curses.

Okay. I’m getting a little worked up. There is bitterness in my heart.

SO. Yesterday, I went to Kroger. Yes, Kroger… And picked up a bag of Jonathon Apples from the apple table. Man, what a delightful autumn experience it was. And here is what I did.

BOOM. Applesauce.

Take that, Tennessee.

Here is the recipe, in case you want to try it too!

Crock Pot Applesauce

- 8-10 medium apples. Enough to fill the crock pot. I used Jonathon and a couple Honey Crisp.

- 1 strip of lemon peel. Use a potato peeler.

- 1 tsp. fresh lemon juice.

- 3 inch fresh cinnamon stick.

- 5 or 6 tsp. brown sugar.

- a crock pot.

Here’s what you do.

1.     Peel the apples. Get the core out, and chop them. Put them in the crock pot.

2.     Add everything else into the crock pot.

3.     I put about ¼ Cup of apple cider in there, also, just to see what it would do. And it turned out yummy.

4.     Set crock pot to low/6 hours. Stir every so often. It becomes apple sauce! So easy! Take out the cinnamon stick and use a whisk to blend and chop up the bigger chunks.

5.     You could can the applesauce or just keep it in the fridge. (Should stay fresh in the fridge about 3 weeks)

This made just over two 8-oz Mason jars of applesauce. And let me tell you, it is so delicious.

Needless to say, I will be going back to the orchard Kroger and getting more apples to make more applesauce and other apple goodies.

Note to the 14 week Bump

Oh, hi little Babe.

Happy (almost) 14 weeks to ya!

Last night, your Daddy and I went outside to try and get some pictures of you and I. You know, creative ones that look pretty and such... but, alas, it turns out that your Mama is just as completely and thoroughly awkward as we always knew she was. It's okay though, because we got these two shots, which aren't too shabby at all.

I'm laying in your room right now, and it's so strange that in just a few months, this room will actually start looking like your room... like you belong in here.

You already belong with us. You belong in our family, and we love you so.

We got to hear your heartbeat a few weeks ago and let me tell you, it was one of the best (and weirdest) sounds I've ever heard. You have proven yourself to be the royal stealer of all of my energy, and I never seem to be able to get enough sleep. But we are so happy that you're growing! We can't wait to feel you moving, hopefully soon! Your Daddy is so wonderful, loving on you and working hard for you and doing practically everything for me. I think you'll really like him.

He's already crazy about you.

It's been pouring rain outside all day long. I really hope you like rain and storms as much as your Daddy and I do. So, don't believe the other small fries that you'll be friends with -- storms really aren't scary at all. Kids lie.

But for now, I just ask that you stay safe and keep growing the way you should. God is so good, trusting us to take care of and love you. I pray that you'll grow to know and find joy in His goodness.

Oh, and please forgive me for not eating very healthy... it's hard, you'll learn, to stay away from foods you love when all the healthy stuff looks entirely unappetizing. I have a feeling you and I will be bonding over large amounts of milk & cookies and buttery, cheesy baked potatoes in your future. Yeah, I know, it sounds really yummy right now.

Love you, sweet thing,
Mama


P.S. Here's a horrid picture of me at 10 weeks,
right before I crashed into bed and slept for 11.5 hours straight.

Happy Weekend

It's a quiet and chilly morning here.
The weather is pulling my heart back to Michigan and its cozy fall days.

So, before hubs wakes up and before I start the cleaning list and before I shower and before I choose to get busy, this baby bump and I will make Homemade Pumpkin Cinnamon Rolls. Sounds incredible, right?

Have a happy weekend, won't ya!

A few happy [yesterday] things

2 Corinthians 4:16-17

In light of trying to climb out of a semi deep-ish hole of fear, funk, anger and just generally a lot of yucky emotions, I am choosing to make a little list of things that lighten my heavy heart.

[1]

It's Friday. Need I say more?
[2]

Being able to listen to and be there for my husband in his time of need.

Makes me feel like I'm taking a step toward the wife I want to be.
[3]

I hear that pumpkin spice everything is back at Starbucks.

I know where I'm going this weekend.
[4]

Email.
I never wanted a smartphone, but since August 7th, I'm continually more and more grateful for the ability to so easily receive and respond to emails from Thailand every day...

I miss my best friend.
[5]

Realizing that today is the 7th of September

and Leneigh has been there for an entire month already...

Finding hope in the thought of "one month down..."
[6]

The way God pricks my hardened heart every so often,

saying "It's okay to hurt. I am giving you joy when you

least expect it, but need it most."
[7]

My growing and changing body.

Knowing that I am sustaining a life in there...

and through that knowledge, reassuring my heart that soon,

oh, soon, I will begin to actually feel like a Mama.
[8]

New music and new playlists.
[9]

This blog.

When I actually find the time and courage to write something,

I always feel thankful and refreshed afterwards.

Lamentations 3:53-58

[Sent to me late last night from my sweet friend... Thank you, Kayce...]

"They tried to end my life in a pit and threw stones at me; the waters closed over my head, and I thought I was about to perish. I called on Your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit.

You heard my plea: "Do not close Your ears to my cry for relief!"
You came near when I called You, and You said "Do not fear."

You, Lord, took up my case; You redeemed my life."

Hallelujah.

A Babe

Throughout the 21 years that I've been on this planet, I have had many dreams.... Whether they were big, small, whimsical, impossible or simple. I've always had a dreamer's heart.

Some of these dreams came true, and I met some of my goals. I was Pocahontas in my backyard, or Ariel on the big rock out front. I set up a museum in my playhouse for all the plants and 'artifacts' I would find on our property. I video taped my own cooking shows and sang with my karaoke machine like I was on a real stage. I had my first kiss, got my drivers license, my first job, fell in love, and earned an Associates Degree. I married my absolute best friend.

Some of my dreams came true, when others faded away.

But, as long as I can remember, one single dream has been a constant in my heart. It has filled my head more than any other dream. I ached and longed for it.

I prayed, begging God "Pease, one day, please..."

I have always dreamed, ached, prayed to be a Mama.

Throughout Middle School, High School and College, the question "What do you want to do?" was always answered very easily... "I just really want to be a stay at home mommy".

That's my dream. It is one of the true desires of my heart.

On Monday, July 16th, Matthias and I sat on our bathroom floor... Anxiously enduring 3 entire minutes of waiting on the results of an at-home pregnancy test. I knew already, in my heart, that there was a baby. But seeing my husband's face when he looked down at that plus sign is one of my favorite moments of my life.
Not being able to breathe has never been so sweet.

 "For I have prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give it to the Lord. For his whole life, he will be given over to the Lord ." And she worshiped the Lord there.
1 Samuel 1:27-28

So, little baby, here I am...your Mama.
I've loved you for forever. I have been waiting for you, but it feels like you've

always been here. You have always been mine, and I cannot wait to kiss the sweet skin that

I've been dreaming of for so long. Oh, sweet baby.

 

Thanks be to our great God, and my sweet husband...
For they are making my dream come true.

To my best friend

Oh Sweet Leneigh,

It's been two years. Two whole years of being best friends. And I could never tell you enough how great of a blessing you are to me. Like no other friend I've had... You are incredible.

And tomorrow morning, you leave. Big plans, big hopes and big fears for the next year.

But more than all that, a big God.

Being able to witness your growth of love, trust and understanding in Him has been one of my greatest joys. You are fearless, my love. You are unstoppable. You are running after Him like I've never seen anyone run. It amazes me. You are powerful.

I am going to miss you every second while you're gone. I honestly can't believe that I'm not going to see you for something like 286 days... But every second that I'm missing you, I know that it is a second that you are using well. A second that you are bringing the Lord glory and furthering His sweet kingdom. And in all of my selfishness, every second that you're gone means one second closer to you coming home. Home to your family, home to Anthony, home to me.

And while we're here, let me please tell you how amazing you and that boy are. Simply wonderful. You two are Thias and my very best and sweetest friends. The best in all the land. You don't know how much we appreciate you. And Anthony... oh Neighners, he loves you so very much. I can't wait for you two to be together again and start your amazing life!

(.....hopefully here, with us.)

I don't want to write too much, because I don't think much needs to be said... You know it all.

Tell Thailand hello from me.

I love you, best friend. More than I love S'Mores.

An Anniversary

Yesterday, August 5th, 2012, Matthias and I celebrated our very first married Anniversary.

I kept thinking all day long about exactly what I was dong, a year ago, at exactly that minute...

1:30 the night before.... finally finishing my vows and falling asleep.
7:30... waking up, eating breakfast, showering, packing the car.
10:00... realizing there weren't enough checks in the checkbook to be able to pay everyone that day... calling my dad and asking him to take cash out of two different banks on the way to the camp.
10:30... getting there, setting up, being able to breathe for a minute because friends were helping.
3:30... getting ready, worrying about Matthias, writing him a note, curling my hair.
6:15... Getting into the van to ride up to the chapel, absolutely scared out of my mind.
6:30... Crying with and hugging my Daddy, ready to walk.
7:00... Married. Finally married.

Happy, crazy day.

We spent the day yesterday doing a whole lot of nothing. Sleeping in, making French Toast, watching Harry Potter, doing silly dance moves, going to Kroger, eating wedding cake that has sat in a freezer for an entire year, falling asleep early.... you know, the usual married stuff.

But yesterday, it was different. I felt some sort of victory all day long... that we have done it. We've gotten through our first year of marriage with more good than bad. We love each other more now than we ever have. Victory, I'd say.

God is so good.

Happy Anniversary, my love.
You are so special to me, and you make my life a little sweeter each day.
I love you.