A few happy [yesterday] things

2 Corinthians 4:16-17

In light of trying to climb out of a semi deep-ish hole of fear, funk, anger and just generally a lot of yucky emotions, I am choosing to make a little list of things that lighten my heavy heart.

[1]

It's Friday. Need I say more?
[2]

Being able to listen to and be there for my husband in his time of need.

Makes me feel like I'm taking a step toward the wife I want to be.
[3]

I hear that pumpkin spice everything is back at Starbucks.

I know where I'm going this weekend.
[4]

Email.
I never wanted a smartphone, but since August 7th, I'm continually more and more grateful for the ability to so easily receive and respond to emails from Thailand every day...

I miss my best friend.
[5]

Realizing that today is the 7th of September

and Leneigh has been there for an entire month already...

Finding hope in the thought of "one month down..."
[6]

The way God pricks my hardened heart every so often,

saying "It's okay to hurt. I am giving you joy when you

least expect it, but need it most."
[7]

My growing and changing body.

Knowing that I am sustaining a life in there...

and through that knowledge, reassuring my heart that soon,

oh, soon, I will begin to actually feel like a Mama.
[8]

New music and new playlists.
[9]

This blog.

When I actually find the time and courage to write something,

I always feel thankful and refreshed afterwards.

Lamentations 3:53-58

[Sent to me late last night from my sweet friend... Thank you, Kayce...]

"They tried to end my life in a pit and threw stones at me; the waters closed over my head, and I thought I was about to perish. I called on Your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit.

You heard my plea: "Do not close Your ears to my cry for relief!"
You came near when I called You, and You said "Do not fear."

You, Lord, took up my case; You redeemed my life."

Hallelujah.

To my best friend

Oh Sweet Leneigh,

It's been two years. Two whole years of being best friends. And I could never tell you enough how great of a blessing you are to me. Like no other friend I've had... You are incredible.

And tomorrow morning, you leave. Big plans, big hopes and big fears for the next year.

But more than all that, a big God.

Being able to witness your growth of love, trust and understanding in Him has been one of my greatest joys. You are fearless, my love. You are unstoppable. You are running after Him like I've never seen anyone run. It amazes me. You are powerful.

I am going to miss you every second while you're gone. I honestly can't believe that I'm not going to see you for something like 286 days... But every second that I'm missing you, I know that it is a second that you are using well. A second that you are bringing the Lord glory and furthering His sweet kingdom. And in all of my selfishness, every second that you're gone means one second closer to you coming home. Home to your family, home to Anthony, home to me.

And while we're here, let me please tell you how amazing you and that boy are. Simply wonderful. You two are Thias and my very best and sweetest friends. The best in all the land. You don't know how much we appreciate you. And Anthony... oh Neighners, he loves you so very much. I can't wait for you two to be together again and start your amazing life!

(.....hopefully here, with us.)

I don't want to write too much, because I don't think much needs to be said... You know it all.

Tell Thailand hello from me.

I love you, best friend. More than I love S'Mores.

Ramblings

As I finally sit down to type out a blog post, I am realizing that it has been two weeks since I've posted. And goodness, what a two weeks it has been. 

There are so many things I want to say...

about what's been going on in life...

about the fun we've been having with our visitors...

about the way God has been moving my heart more than He has in a while...

about dreams and worship and emotional talks with my husband...

about cute little Pinterest projects that I want to do...

about places that I want to go and adventures that I want to have...

about silly things like style and clothes and our dog...

But I keep getting stuck on one thought. This blog.

What is it for? Is this some kind of public diary? Is it the best way for me to express my heart tangibly? Am I writing for my glory, or for God's? How much of my heart and fears should I share on the blog? What does it even matter, because no one really reads my blog anyways...? And how will I get people to understand that I'm not asking for attention or recognition? How do I get them to read and see through my poor story telling, stupid jokes... and find that there is something greater that I want to say in this little corner of the Internet.

Something I've been aching to say... dying to scream.

Something that I don't even have the words for.

Maybe I'm taking things to seriously and making everything so heavy. Maybe I need to lighten up and just let it go. Maybe there's really nothing wrong and I'm just making this all up.

Or maybe. Maybe God has put this restlessness in my Spirit with a purpose. Maybe this is a wake up call, while I just sit here, selfishly pressing Snooze over and over. Maybe I'm not where I need to be.

Of coarse I'm not where I need to be. Maybe there needs to be some changes. Changes in me. Changes in where I'm going. 

Like I said, God is doing big things. Great big things.

 

Fear

 For most of my adult life, I have lived in Fear.

It has taken many forms:
crutch, handcuff, and earmuff.
Fear has been my tool of self support.
It has kept me chained when I want to break free.
And it has helped me ignore the call of God.

Fear has been my friend. My closest enemy.

But God has been doing some hard work on my heart lately. Beautiful, but terrifying work. I won't go into details here... But I will say that I am at the weirdest place I've ever been in my life.
Standing at some very exciting, intimidating, passionate and life-changing crossroads.
And it scares me to death.

The only thing my heart holds onto is the promise of God.
He is the Rock to which I'm clinging and the Knower who I call on for answers.

1 John 4:18a says this.
"There is no fear in love. Perfect Love casts out fear."
It's as simple as that.

Jesus is the Perfect Love, and through His name, there will be
no more fear in me. Where He is, is where I want to be.

Be brave, Keilah. Be brave

Memorial Weekend

I flew home to sweet, sweet Michigan, in hopes of surprising my family... and I was thiiiiiis close to pulling it off. Darn. But it was a lovely weekend... It sure was hard to leave my sweet husband here in Tennessee, but the time with my family was very much needed, to say the absolute least.

I knew I missed home, but wasn't aware of how much I missed home until I got there.

It may not look like much to you, but this is one of my favorite sights in the world.

I could pick out that driveway and those trees from thousands.

Home.
Oh, my heart.

We packed up and drove up to camp, where we spent a few days with our extended family and some lifelong friends.

 

 

 

Hearts received healing and there were tears of laughter running down our cheeks most of the weekend. Loving on my parents and siblings for 5 whole days... There are few things that bring me such joy as this.

I thank God for the time we had. He has been doing big, heartbreaking, and amazing things in my family lately. He pushes us out of our comfort zone to trust Him more. He is good and faithful in our lives, and He always brings the peace that we pray for.

Thank you to my Daddy and my Papa for serving in the U.S. Military, working to glorify God and keep our country safe. We love you. What a wonderful Memorial Day it was.

It made the second weekend in a row that I've been blessed to have a break from reality, a chance to breathe. And I never want to say goodbye, because it's so very hard... having to leave my baby sister at the airport entrance, watching her cry while she waves to me... it shatters my heart.

Sometimes knowing that where I am in life right now isn't where God needs me to be gets me feeling very defeated. It's Satan's way of laughing in my face. And it hurts...

But these are times when my sweet Lord soothes my aching soul and gives me the courage I need.

I can honestly say, with my whole heart, that I have the greatest family.
God is good. Can you feel it?

Why I'm Happy Today

Aside from being a complete-over-the-top-more-than-usual-emotional-wreck the past couple weeks, I am taking a few moments to write about the things that are making me happy today.

Happy+Blessed+Overwhelmed+Excited+Stressed+Thankful = More Emotional... More Lumps in my throat and stinging in my nose, threatening to make me burst into tears at any possible moment.

Oh, it is so fun. Let me tell ya. Just ask Matthias.

Here's why I'm happy today.

1. Randomly waking up at 5:30ish THREE times this week with my husband. For no reason at all, our bodies just woke us up. Normally, this is an awful thing because I hate loathe waking up before my alarm goes off... but those sweet mornings cuddled up in the quiet have been very nice for us. Mmmm  (:  It's good for my heart to dwell on these simple moments with him.

2. Texting my not so little anymore  cousin, Jenna. She went to her Senior Prom last night. (Man, I'm getting old.) And she looked absolutely gorgeous. I honestly just teared up typing that last sentence about her being gorgeous... see, I'm a wreck. I can't express how proud of her I am and how much I hate that I have to be so far, watching these fun times through facebook and texting.

Sweet, sweet Jenna. Here's us when we were Little Bitties.

I just LOVE her face! And, I know you're jealous of my bangs.

3. Packing. We are moving in 9 days. It is a bittersweet thing. I love having something to do on Saturdays when Matthias is at work... and we are more than absolutely ready to be out of this apartment... but. It will always be 'Our First Apartment'. No matter how much we like it here or not, it's the first place we've ever lived together... The first place I've ever lived other than my parents house and a dorm room... Where we spent our first Married Holidays, Birthdays, etc. We talked (and I cried, of coarse) a little bit about this last night. We'll kind of miss this small little smelly crummy place. (We have too much stuff!)

 

4. Talking on the phone with my best friend in the world, Leneigh, for A WHOLE HOUR this morning. Yes, folks, it was marvelous. It's always great to hear her voice and talk each others ears off when we have a free second. And she doesn't get many of those; she's SO busy. The kind of busy where she's moving to THAILAND in less than 4 months. Holy cow. But that's all for another post.  God is amazing. So proud of her.

5. Last night we signed the Lease for the new apartment! Hip, Hip, HORRAY!

6. Also last night, Matthias and I watched the very last episode ever of Friends. (Greatest show ever to be on TV. Ever.) It took us 2 years, but we finished them all. No words to describe how empty we feel now. We are probably going to start back from Season 1 again pretty soon. Once we find and unpack the Movie Box.

7. Our wedding rings are currently at Kay Jeweler's getting their bi-yearly cleaning/inspection/rhodium-dipping! I am so excited to see my sparkly ring again! My finger is quite lost and confused without it.

8. Playing "Draw Something" with my wonderful Sis-In-Law, A'Lisa. So funny and entertaining.

9. Having a 'First Conversation Ever' with someone who I used to not like very much. I'm so thankful for her forgiveness, and the fact that God can take away the grudges I hold.

10. Big huge reason why I'm happy right here: God got rid of the spiders. I'm not kidding. The last one I saw/killed was a whole week ago. I've been praying hard that He would make them leave and not follow us to the next apartment. I believed He would, and He has. Incredible, He is.

I'm unbelievably thankful.

11. I was reading Leneigh's latest blog post this morning. (Go follow her story, please: http://leneighjanette.wordpress.com/ just click that website!) And it was there that she broke out the most exciting news! She and Kirsten (another one of my best friends) are going to be driving down to visit us in just 27 days. I don't think I'll be able to contain my excitement for that long. I haven't seen Leneigh since our Tim Horton's date while Matthias and I were in Michigan for Christmas, and I'm pretty sure the last time I saw Kirsten was Thanksgiving-time, for breakfast at Bob Evans. Is that right?! WOW. Seriously, I cannot wait. Mark it on your calendars, people, and title it:  

"May 18-20th: Coolest Weekend Ever, Since The Last Coolest Weekend, Of Coarse."

 Love love LOVE them!

And last but not least, number 12. The delicious bean dip I'm going to make tonight. YUM.

Sing to the Lord a new song, for He has done marvelous things! Psalms 98:1

Congratulations to you if you made it the whole way through this post.

This song has been hard pressed on my heart all week.
I love that it pictures the consistency of God, and our faith in Him.
Whether we are searching or we have found Him,
there is still the same beautiful urgency in the cry of our hearts.

Jesus, I trust You, because You have saved me...
I praise You, because You have saved me.
I am Yours... I am Yours...


Love Came Down by Kari Jobe

"If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear Your voice
I hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I'll remind myself
Of all that You've done
And the life I have
Because of Your son
 
Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope
Every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace
Rest upon me
Staying desperate for You, God
Staying humble at Your feet
I will lift these hands in praise
I will believe

I'll remind myself
Of all that You've done
And the life I have
Because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

I am Yours
I am Yours
All my days
Jesus, I am Yours"

On my heart

This has been on my heart all week. So I thought I'd share.

Lately, I've been reading the book A Beautiful Offering by Angela Thomas.

To put it simply, it's one of the greatest books I've read in a long, long time.

Seriously.

It's about the act of choosing to fall in love with God over and over,

and using your life (wherever you are in it) to present for Him as your Love Offering.

Go buy this book.

When I read books, whatever genre they are, I always underline and highlight sentences and passages that mean something to me, that tug at my heart, that are beautifully put, that I want to remember, etc. (I do it with Harry Potter, even, and it drives Matthias crazy every time I have to stop reading aloud just to underline "some silly little comment that Hermione made").

So anyways. This week I read a chapter that really stuck with me,

and my favorite part of the chapter goes like this:

"Maybe it's really possible to keep falling in love. Maybe the Creator wants to keep bringing us back to life, afresh and anew...They say that when you fall in love, the two of you begin to look alike.

May it be so. Oh, sweet Jesus, may it be so." (pg56/57)

Oh, my heart.

I'm not entirely sure why, but the simplicity of the request "may it be so, sweet Jesus" makes my heart jump and my eyes well up. To look like Jesus because He is who I'm in love with.

I can't think of much else that would be better than that.

For people to have an encounter with me, a conversation with me, even a glace of me walking down the street... and take away from the experience that who I am resembles the Son of God...

...Humble. Caring. A Servant. Passionate. Joyful. Kind. Attentive. Merciful. Generous...

...Love.

May it be so, my Sweet Jesus, may it be so.