Enough

Life, circumstances and even people get me feeling as though I am worthless.

Not worth the time, not worth the good fortune, not worth helping, and not worth investing into.

And it hurts, very deeply.

It strikes a wound so far into my heart that I almost forgot it was there.

Except for I never forgot.

And in these times, the wound splits open, pouring out its infectious and debilitating truths...

"You are not enough. You're not worth it."

And I listen. And I cry. And I believe the lies that are being viciously thrown at me like daggers in a battle.

The words fly deep into me, and bounce around, trying to find a place in my heart to bury themselves deeply.

Softly and tenderly, Jesus is whispering to me. "Don't you listen. Don't you think on that. It isn't true, beloved. Can't you see? I died for you because you are enough. You are enough. Oh, you are enough."

A man I have never met, willingly gave himself up for me, before I was formed in my mother's womb. A man who did not deserve to die, a man who did not want to die. A man who was and forever will be the only person who truly is ENOUGH. But He was thinking of me, as his beating heart slowed. His Love was an effort to prove that I am good enough for Him.

If my heart was worth dying for,

than my heart is worth fighting for.

"the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.” Matthew 4:16

12 months of Addison Reid

Oh, Addi... my Birdie.
We have learned so much this year! It's been my honor to kiss you every single day for an entire year. What a blessing you have been to your Daddy and I. Without the joy that you bring us, our hearts and our days are would not be so full, they would not be completely overflowing with our love for you. You are perfect for us, baby. I have made my fair share of 'mommy mistakes' in this year, but your caring heart has shown me forgiveness and love each and every time, without question. I want to be like that. I learn from you, sweetheart, the most valuable and truest lessons about love, kindness, happiness and about Jesus.

Sometimes, I look at you and I can see a glimpse of who you will be when you are grown. I see a goofy toddler with blonde pigtails, picking flowers and running through the grass after a bunny. I see a little girl, sitting on her bed, surrounded by all of her favorite stuffed animals, baby dolls and books, and she is quietly reading to herself. I see a ten year old, helping her Daddy pack up the truck with tents, fishing  poles, lanterns and marshmallows, so excited and giddy for their annual Daddy-Daughter camping trip special time together. I see a leader in our household, an example for her younger siblings, a word of encouragement and a hug of true love when they need it. I see a spunky pre-teen singing and dancing around while she experiments in the kitchen, learning and practicing traditions, recipes and responsibility. I see a gorgeous teenager, helping others, falling in love, and a hurting heart. I see a twinkle in her eye and joy leaking from her skin as she walks, wearing a diamond on her left hand, and dreams in her heart.

Looking at you, my heart starts soaring and tears flood my eyes.

I don't have the words.

You are kind, loving, determined, sensitive, funny, mischievous, sweet and curious. You made me a Mama, and life will never be the same. I am so excited to watch you grow even more.

I love you, Addison Reid.

Mama

Joy in the morning, Joy through the night.

My daughter will be one year old in exactly two weeks.

And she doesn't sleep through the night.

Yes, that's right. Every single night for the past year, I have been awake multiple times. Nursing, rocking, singing, patting her bottom, nursing again, shhhh-ing, changing diapers, kissing, nursing.

And praying.

Praying over this sweet soul laying in my arms. Praying to feel rested when the sun finally rises and my day begins. Praying for a kind a joyful heart. Praying that, maybe tomorrow night, she'll sleep through the night.

But that last prayer is a selfish one.

Who am I to assume that "she should be old enough..." that "she really doesn't need anything this late" or that "it's just a bad habit"??

Why do I put my own words and needs into a little girl who can't communicate her needs, fears, desires and emotions all by herself?

Because I am selfish.

I want to feel well-rested. I want to be energized and positive. I want to look awake and fresh and pretty. I want to sleep, really truly sleep so hard and not be bothered until I wake up, on my own.

I read books and I talk to other Mama's with babies who are significantly younger than Addi, sleeping through the night, or who only wake once to nurse.

...And I get jealous, real fast. I get bitter and my heart starts complaining. I start wishing for something that somebody else has.

Oh, I am a sinner.

A middle-of-the-night-resentful-sinner.

And I need Jesus.

I need Him when I lay down at night, looking at the clock and knowing that I will be awake in just a few hours.

I need Him when I am waken up by the cry of a child. A child that He loves even more than I do.

I need Him as I nurse and rock, nurse and rock, and when the familiar complaining starts in my head.

I need Him when satan starts speaking to my heart. Speaking ungratefulness, speaking selfishness, speaking lies.

I need Him when the sun rises and the birds are singing His praise, but I am not.

I need Him every moment of the day, when I fight to bite my tongue of my initial thoughts, because of my grumpiness.

I need Him when I speak to my husband, and as I try to teach Love and Peace to my daughter.

No, I don't get the sleep that I need, and I honestly don't know when or if there will be a night that I do. But I choose not to focus on that.

I will focus on the precious gift that I have been given. Sweet moments alone with a baby whom I do not deserve. A baby who needs her Mama.

And yes, I will mess up and become selfish once more. But I have Jesus.

He brings Joy in the morning.

Joy through my tired eyes, and Joy through this tiny soul sleeping next to me.

 

Just a couple pictures

It's the middle of the night and we are driving back to Tennessee after a crazy few weeks. I haven't blogged in ages but I feel like if I don't document life in some way, I may just forget. Days are getting quicker and they aren't looking to slow down any. Addi and I were able to join Matthias on his acoustic tour, playing shows in Alabama and Michigan.

It was an exciting, precious and humbling trip. I'm working on processing it all in my heart, and then once I do, I will write about it on this little space.

But for now, here's a million pictures.

You're invited to a scroll party.

Thanks for coming.

That's an obnoxious amount of pictures.